Haven’t posted here in months, but…

I feel compelled to update.

May 2010 - February 2012.

20 months.

Hundreds of job applications.

Thousands of tears.

Several panic attacks.

Fights with family.

Fights with friends.

Fights with myself.

Many dark days peppered with what ifs and should haves.

Yet here I am 20 months later.

Job offer in hand with everything I wanted.

The road does come to an end at some point.

Don’t give up.

Off to the grocery store for peppermint creamer.  I’m getting up at 3 AM to watch the Perseids.  Scratched last night’s plans when I realized I had other things that needed to be done, so I ended up staying up later than planned.  No biggie.

Peppermint creamer.

Go run 3 miles.

Shower.

Read.

Bed.

Tomorrow: Perseids, run, shower, jobs apps, job apps, job apps….don’t know why I bother on these anymore, but apparently these are supposed to result in a job someday????  (Sorry, kinda bitchy tonight.  Lots of job rejections came in this week, not many applicable new postings, and several people I know have landed jobs.  It’s frustrating.)

My life is boring. 

Lonely

My parents are out of town.  I’ve come to realize they’re pretty much my only social interaction here.

Last time I hung out with someone?  Two weeks ago.

My only conversations with people these days?  Saying hi to people on the bike path or when I stop by Starbucks.

*sigh*

I miss feeling like I’m living my life as opposed to being set on permanent autopilot.  Also, talking to the dogs.  I love them, but I wish they weren’t my constant one-sided conversation buddies.

I hate that I’ve lost the ability to be happy for others.  I don’t like to admit it, but I have.  Every part of my being is now laced with a degree of cynicism and jealousy (and quite honestly, self-loathing) that I just don’t know I’ll ever be able to rid myself of.

I wish I could- I try to, but I can’t.

KSAs and a rant

Federal jobs + KSAs = LOATHE

Seriously, loathe.

It should be done in a way to make me highlight my experience and fit, but it’s asked ever so precisely so as to highlight my shortcomings as an entry-level, fresh college grad.

Yes, I realize I’m way behind on my 7DS series, I’ll try to rectify that this week.  As many can attest to, job searching has emotional highs and lows.  It’s been a month since I heard any positive feedback (or feedback at all).  Needless to say, I’m in a low period that mkes filling out job apps hard enough, let alone trying to come up with some original blog material.

This is further complicated by the fact my favorite person (twin sister) is moving cross country in two weeks and no one will shut up about the move, their visit with my older sister (who graduated from her master’s a month after me, actually got a job, relocated, and is settled in her big-girl world with a fantastic new boyfriend- the only “downs” she’s had this year was getting her car totaled - she got a new one partially funded by my parents…the sinier, flashier version of what I’ve got, as she wasn’t at fault for the accident and could afford to spend money on a new car - and some bad reactions to bug bites.  Seriously, that’s it.).  I’m also bitter because said sister went through a horrible break-up a few years back and I was there for her, talking to her every night, listening to her cry, sending care packages and notes, and just generally checking in on her to make sure she was getting through.  What has she done for me while I’ve been in my job search hell?  She sent a $10 Starbucks card when my twin mentioned I was mad that she didn’t seem to care.  She has yet to pick up the phone and ever call me….I think she’s called me between 2-5 times in the past year.

Not gonna lie, I kinda wish we could spread this wonderful, all life has to offer luck around in our family a bit.  Or at least have my sibling realize how incredibly selfish she can be.

*rant over*

Gloomy

The new jobs report is not what I wanted to wake up to today.

Also, would our elected officials please get their shit together, look up the meaning of the word compromise, and stop acting like three year olds.  I don’t want to politicize this blog, but just about every economist on both sides of the aisle has said that if you want to tackle deficit reduction, you are going to need increased revenue and decreased expenditures.  So hanging out on this ideological fence post in right or left field isn’t going to help anybody.

Then again, if you can’t handle your job I’d gladly fill in for you.  I’m smart, driven, and, as so many job ads require, posess great interpersonal skills, somehting that so many people in power seem to lack.

Apps and another installment of 7DS

I’ll try to get up the next “Seven Deadly Sins” post by this evening (fyi, evening in my book could mean anything up to and including 2 AM).

I got in three job apps yesterday and none on Tues/Wed.  In my defense, Tues was spent moving my sister’s belongings from LA to here, so I really couldn’t work on them.  By the time I got home I was exhausted- pretty much ate dinner and went to bed.  The prior night I’d been stressed about the job situation - sometimes it just takes over my brain and it’s hard to shut off long enough to sleep - so I was running off about 3 hours sleep that day.  Yesterday was occupied with clearing out the house to make way for carpet cleaners.  I should’ve gotten in one or two, but frankly, I used it as an excuse.  I did mark a couple to send out today though.

That said, I’m off to finish my coffee and then head out to the library or who knows, maybe the coffeehouse to send out more applications.  I’m going to need to leave the house to work on applications from now on.  With my sister here this next month it’ll be too distracting.  I’m sure she and my mom will be busy preparing her for her move across country (she’s now doing her stint in grad school).  I’ve discovered that getting myself out of the house helps.  I pack up my computer and leave the power cord at home, as that gives me 3-4 hours of solid time to finish applications.  My rationale is that if I work solidly while the computer is charged and finish the set number of applications I’d set to finish, I can go home guilt free later in the day (though I do later in the evening use that time to find more openings for the next day).

This is all a lot of rambling.  Ok, coffee time.

Fun fact: length of unemployment is directly proportional to the amount of coffee consumed on a daily basis, at least for me.  Hey, at least it isn’t alcohol

Back to the grind

Tomorrow is Monday.  Monday means back to work working on applications.  I had an enjoyable few days application free- needed after the painful rejection (and knowing I was razor close to ending this unemployment fiasco).

Shooting for 15 applications this week (3/day).  Job openings seem to have slowed a bit, but I know I find them in bits and spurts, so I’m taking it in stride.

The perpetual bridesmaid

And never the bride.

At least with jobs.

Found out I was a very strong contender for the job in Santa Monica.  Top three to be precise, but someone else just “fit” a bit more.

At least this time they offered to pass along info to another staff if they’re hiring.  I promptly shot back an email letting them know I’d applied for another job with another legislator last week (job closes on Fri) and attached my resume/cover letter.  Maybe it will end up in the right hands?  I hope so….

For now, feeling defeated with no new leads and a lull in applicable openings.  I week ago I was euphoric.  Today I feel worthless.

One last item: To add insult to injury, I spent $100 commuting down and back from LA twice last week for this position. 

Confirmation

I always hate getting an e-mail confirming I didn’t get a job.

I expected said e-mail because they didn’t contact me last week for an interview when they said they would.  They wanted someone with familiarity with energy programs (I have that), though in this job market that really translates to “we want to pay someone an entry-level salary so we ask for familiarity with a subject area, but really want 2-3 years of full time work experience in that field.”

I think what really bugs me is that when I get the official rejection e-mail, deleting the e-mail thread with them just doesn’t seem like enough.  I’m angry and frustrated and those feelings spike when I get negative news.  Hitting “delete” doesn’t do a damn thing to make me feel better.  I want “delete” to set off a mini explosion or something a little more dramatic to appease my feelings.

Now I need to really hope that job I interviewed for on Friday hires me.  :/